Obscene limericks

This is a collection of limericks from alt.jokes.limericks and other sources, collected in 1996.

Sadistic limericks:

Mother held her little daughter
Fifty minutes under water.
Not to make her any troubles,
But to see those funny bubbles.

Father heard his children scream
So he threw them in the stream
Saying as he drowned the third
Children should be seen - not heard

Necrophilia limericks:

There once was a hermit named Dave,
    who kept a dead whore in his cave.
And though I'll admit
    that it did stink a bit,
Just think of the money he saved!

There was an old miser named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
She had only one tit
and smelled just like shit
But think of the money he saved

Little Jack Horner sat in his corner
Playing with his grandma's twat
Stuck in his pinky,
Got it all stinky
And said, "Damn, you're beginning to rot!"

There once was a woman named Kit
Who kept a dead lover named Brit
I don't care if he reeks
After all of these weeks
But I'm madder than Hell that he split!

Sex related imericks:

There was a young lady from Greeling,
who once had a very fine feeling,
she laid on her back,
fingered her crack,
and pissed all over the ceiling!

There was a young lady from Gallus,
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
they found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and her asshole at Buckingham Palace!

There was a young man from Strensil
Whose point was a s sharp as a pencil
On the night of his wedding
It went clean through the bedding
And shattered the chamber untensil. 

There once was a lady from Niger,
Who had an affair with a Tiger.
The result of the fuck
Was a bald headed duck,
Two gnats, and a circumcized spider.

There lived a young virgin called Heidi
whose box was always kept tidy
there lived not a mortal
who could enter her portal
she's waiting for God almighty

There was a girl named Tropp
who impaled her cunt on a mop
after thrusting away
the better part of a day
she rolled around in the slop

Heather, that nasty little troll
owned an abnormally large hole
her twat was so wide
into it I'd slide
4 fingers and a telephone pole

A city boy named Matt
came over to suck off my cat
i asked if he drank
he smiled cat-wank
he didn't swallow, he spat

There was a young man from Adace,
who had balls that were constructed of brass,
when he clanged them together,
he could play "Stormy Weather",
and lightning shot out his ass!

There was a young wife from Nantucket,
who was told by her husband to suck it,
as she got on her knees,
she said "Darling please,
this time can we use a bucket?"

There once was a man from South Bend --
Talked sodomy down, to a friend.
	Then up spoke a dude:
	"Sir, you say it is rude
But you'll find it is fun in the end."

There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who's dick was so long he could suck it.
        He said with a grin,
        As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

There once was a fellow named Dingus
Who really enjoyed cunnilingus.
        One day after snackin'
        He misplaced his napkin
And wiped off his face with his fingas.

There was an old man from Stamboul,
Who soliloquised thus to his tool:
You've taken my wealth,
and ruined my health.
And now you won't _pee_, you old fool!

There was a sweet thing from Champlain
who grants sexual favors insane.
You'd think that she'd laugh
at a buck and a half,
but you don't hear the tourists complain!

There once was a girl from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not pretty and pink
as you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There once was a munk from Siberia,
whose habits were rather inferiour.
He had don to a nun
what non should have done.
So now, she's Mother Superiour.

On the chest of a barmaid from Hale
Were inscribed all the prices of ale.
Whilst on her behind
for the sake of the blind
Were precisely the same, but in Braille.

A horny young man named Swallow
Told a girl as they kissed in a hollow
"Did you know that my dick"
"Is three inches thick?"
She said. "Gee thats a hard one to swallow"

There once was a young man named Enos,
who had a sixteen inch long penis.
two hookers named claire,
said sir,if we share,
we'll still have eight inches between us!

There was a young woman named Liza
Whose tits were of different sizes.
        One was so small,
        It was hardly at all,
But the other was large and won prizes.

An old New York Met named Tom Seaver,
Was once rendered impotent by fever.
	He said with dismay
	"I don't like it this way,
It kills my desire for beaver."

There once was a man from Belair
Who was fucking his wife on the stair
	When the bannister broke
	He redoubled his stroke
And finished the job in mid-air

There once was a man from Tashkent
Who's prick was all buckled and bent
	To save himself trouble
	He put it in double
And instead of cuming he went

There once was a girl named Lisa
Whose ass I wanted a piece-a
	She got on her knees
	Said "do what you please,
I take Mastercard and Visa"

There once was a young lady from Heath
Who circumsized young men with her teeth
	She said with a grin
	It's not for the skin
But rather the cheese underneath.

Old mrs. Hubbard 
Went to the cupboard
To give her poor dog a bone
	When she bent over
	The dog took over
And gave her a bone of his own.

There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who'd bugger young boys while confirming 'em
	While studying Jobe
	He'd lift up his robe
And pump episcopal sperm in 'em.

There is a man from St. Ira
He came here to find ya.
	His name was billy
	He had a big willy
That he would like to stick inside ya.

Miscellaneous limericks:

There's no call for your rhymes, neat and dapper?
And you can't afford paper or wrapper?
	For the poetic soul,
	Broke, on the dole,
There is always the wall in the crapper.

She stood in her splendor, quite nude:
Said blind Justice, "My hearing's grown crude;
	When they said `Election'
	I mis-heard `Erection'
But I guess either way I got screwed!"

There once was a man from Winsocket
Who stuck his cock in a socket.
	Then some son of a bitch
	Turned on the switch.
And he went up like a rocket.

Mary had a little lamb
She fed it castor oil
And every time it jumped the fence
It fertilized the soil.

When lawyers dine out, don't you know,
They have split-fee soup, just for show.
   They dazzle their guest
   And I can attest
That the entree is broiled squid pro quo.

There once was a schemer named Ponzi
Who annoyed some crude poets on Sundy
They flamed at his post
But what hurt him the most 
Was that nobody sent him their mon, see?

Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1:
"No harm can ever be done
To me or to you."
"Why's that?" asked Cow 2.
"We're frogs!" said the first. "Ain't that fun?"

The second cow thought: Is it true?
Then color my green hide all blue!
For we've big baggy udders
Instead of webbed rudders,
And in place of a ribbet we moo.